I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
