Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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