Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
