I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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