ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
