I'm drive I can fine osifer
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She told me I should be a condom model.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
