guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
