I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
