I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
