why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
