Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
