He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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