glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
