Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
