Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
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