dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
