I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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