I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
