i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
