I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
