You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
