party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
