There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
