$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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