wakey wakey hands off snakey
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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