when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
