Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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