I must be too annoying 4 u.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
