He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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