see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
