bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize