I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
dude. I can hear the air.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
