living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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