You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
