eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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