Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
