I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
there was a trapeze. enough said
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
