You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
