I am midnight drunk by noon
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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