My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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