Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I think I won the penis lottery.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
