I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
