sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
