my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
