I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize