I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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