I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
