Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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