My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Pooping to opera.
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