you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
