I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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