he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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