I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
