I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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