I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
