Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
