thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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