a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
