see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
