I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
