I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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