i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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