theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
