Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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