So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
