god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
