I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
