dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
hell yes lets make some ravioli
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
